


After The Storm

by imthederpyfox



Series: Glee - prompts [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Angst, Anti-kurt, Drinking, Drugs, Glee - Freeform, M/M, Not my usual style, Not-cannon, Rape, Self-Harm, Smoking, different, non-con, prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2018-12-06 00:30:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11589312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imthederpyfox/pseuds/imthederpyfox
Summary: Kurt get’s raped and, Instead of breaking down, he retreats behind a shield of harshness, hatred, and bad behaviour to gain the control taken from him.- I apologise that I don't know who this prompt is from.





	1. Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't usually write pieces like this, but it was an interesting concept to me.  
> Besides when I'm upset or going through stuff it helps to read things where my favourite characters are going through the same stuff or stuff I've struggled with in the past. 
> 
> I know that sounds weird. 
> 
> Either way I know other people like that as well so here is Kurt angst based off the prompt. I know it's from a few years ago and I'm probably late to the whole prompt thing but still. 
> 
> Feedback is always helpful and I'm sorry if people don't want to read stuff like this.

It was dark in the room.   
But he didn't have the energy to turn the light on. He simply laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling, hardly noticing that the dark had been seeking up around him for the past two hours.   
Every time he moved it hurt.   
Every time he blinked he saw it. 

That damn cold tiled floor. 

His hands out in front of him, helplessly pinned down by one large hand. 

How he'd attempted to pull himself free.

How eventually he had passed out from the pain, to wake up to an empty room. 

He'd been thrown into the corner of the furthest shower afterward, the water dripping onto him. Not helping to clean him in the slightest. A thin veil or red ran through the water next to him. He quickly stood, pulling his trousers back up and grabbed his bag before running as the janitor walked in, unaware of what had happened in the room not long before. Only that there was blood all over the floor and the kid looked a little more than shaken up.

He sighed, finally willing himself to roll onto his side as he heard his father's footsteps coming down into the basement.   
"Kurt? Hey bud. You've been down here for ages. I called a few times, Carrol made dinner." Burt smiled, walking over to his son.   
"Not hungry." He forced himself to speak, his voice raw from the screaming and please to just leave him alone earlier.   
"Whats going off with you? Not the slushie stuff again huh?" Burt sat on the edge of his bed, blissfully unaware of what had happened just a few hours ago. 

How his son had almost crashed into everything on his way home through his tears. How he'd fallen when getting out of his car. How he'd forced himself to limp back to his room and flopped down onto his bed. And stayed there for two hours.   
He wondered if the blood would be noticeable... Be hadn't taken a shower yet. Nah, the blankets were black and the room was dark. 

"Kurt?" His dad's words cut into his thoughts and he looked to him, his eyes lidded half way as they had been for a while.   
"Yeah?"   
"You coming upstairs? I know it's difficult since Finn and Carrol moved in but I want us to have dinner together as a family." Burt gave a small smile.   
"I'm fine dad. I'm just not hungry. I'm going to get in a shower." Kurt answered, returning to staring at the ceiling.   
Burt paused for a moment. "Alright... Well there's food upstairs if ya get hungry later. And we're gonna watch TV as a family later so... If ya feel like it."   
He didn't answer. And after a few seconds and a heavy sigh from his dad, he felt the bed shift and his dad's footsteps heading back to the stairs. 

After a couple moments he couldn't stand the silence anymore. The feeling of the tight clothes around him or the darkness ebbing its way around his vision. The feeling of dried blood down his legs and God knows what else.   
He threw himself from the bed and ran to his bathroom, locking the door and spraying the shower on, before leaning over the toilet and throwing his guts up into it.   
After a few moments there was nothing left and he spat as hard as he could into the bowl. Cursing slightly he stood, not having felt the tight, burning feeling in the back of his throat for years.   
He looked at himself in the mirror, breathing heavily as he glared at the reflexion. It wasn't the scared looking kid he was used to...   
His eyes were dull and uninterested, his face pale and sunken. He flipped the light switch on and returned to the mirror. All of his muscels were tensed and his fists were so tight that he could feel the blood dripping from where his nails broke his palms. His hair was disheveled, his clothes out of sorts.   
After a few moments he sighed and realised again how tight his clothes felt and quickly ripped them off, wincing at the pain he felt from moving too much.   
He leapt into the shower and after a couple moments of staring at the black tiled wall, he yelled angrily, twisting and punching the tile, feeling it crack under his fist before he let himself slide to the floor, the water dripping at his back and the steam rising in the room.   
He hadn't realised he'd had that much strength...  
After a few more minutes he decided to actually get himself clean... Though it would never be enough. 

He decided that washing himself five times and cleaning his hair twice was enough and turned the steaming water off, stepping out and grabbing a towel.   
He wrapped it around his waist and looked at the razor his dad had gotten him when realising he was beginning to get stray hairs on his chin.   
What felt like an eternity later and he was sat on the cool floor, leaning his back to the marble sink cabinet and looking down at his arm, the razor blade pressing against it...  
When had he taken the blaze from the holder? When had he began breathing so heavily his heart felt like a bird begging to be let free?   
He decided not to question it... He was DONE with questioning things.   
Why had he been the target?  
Why was he gay?  
What is so wrong with being gay? 

He let it all go along with the blood that dropped to the floor from his forearm. For a second he stared at it before letting a tiny smile creep along his lips as he softly touched the slice, the red bubbles coming from it as he pushed down, attempting to get as much pain as he could from the feeling. After a few more and a couple of minutes of it setting in he stood and placed the razor back, and wiped at his arm with a moist towelette. He scoffed at the wipes and threw them in the bin when he was done. 

He sighed and got out of the room, not caring that he was in nothing more than a towel. He heard the door open from above and didn't bother turning around as he grabbed his baggy black pyjama top, his clothes from the day in the bin.   
"Dude we're watching TV if you wanna join?" Finn's voice came, before a pause as the taller boy realised Kurt was in just a towel. "Oh... Sorry."   
Kurt simply shrugged and pulled the shirt on, it had long sleeves so at least his so called brother wouldn't see. He turned. "Is there something I can help you with?" He asked solemnly as he turned and sat back on his bed extremely casually.   
Finn looked taken back for a moment. "Uh... TV?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck.   
"No." Kurt stared at him, something he didn't usually do to people, but he found himself keeping the eye contact until Finn squirmed.   
"Oh... Ok." Finn hovered for a moment.   
"What?"   
"Uh... Nothing." He turned and walked away back to the stairs as the smaller boy turned and began blasting music loudly. Not realising it was to keep his mind off of the silence and to keep his mind from wondering back to the traumatising things Karofsky had growled into his ears earlier.   
Finn looked back for a moment but shook his head and left the room to go watch TV with his mum and Burt.


	2. No More Firsts

For the first couple seconds he thought everything was ok.   
And oh, how wrong be was. Immediately upon attempting to move his leg he felt the pain shoot up and through his body. A groan escaped him as he forced himself to sit up.   
The ony thing he felt was done. Done with everything.   
He questioned wearing a nice outfit, something black with a streak of colour, but as he looked through his wardrobe he didn't see any of his normal clothes and immediately want to put on a fashion show... Instead he pulled out an old pair of jeans that had been too small for Finn but the taller had kept in his locker incase anyone needed a spare pair from being slushied, and a plain black shirt.   
Sure, it wasn't his usual style, especially the demon jeans, but it was better than feeling restricted.   
He made his way upstairs after grabbing his bag, not even bothering with his hair and simply just running his hand through it, leaving it messy but flopping to one side.   
Upon entering the kitchen everyone looked at him.   
"Dude did we have a glee assignment I didn't know about?" Finn asks, that same dopey look on his face as usual.   
Kurt gave a small shrug, letting his bag fall to the floor and casually resting back against the side, folding his arms. "No. But I'm sure Mr. Shue has something 'extra fun' planned." He rolled his eyes and let everyone stare at him for a moment. "Well this is boring." He mumbled, grabbing his bag again and walking to the door. "See ya." He called back, not waiting to hear anyone's reply as he made his way to his car. He didn't even bother to close the door to the house and just drove away.   
"Well that was odd..." Carole stated, finishing off her breakfast. "You don't think he has a problem with us moving in right?"   
"I'm not sure. He didn't have a problem with the wedding so I didn't think he'd have a problem with this..." Burt answered.   
\------------  
Kurt arrived at school, not even bothering to park properly. He knew immediately that today was going to be a waste of his time as he slammed the door shut and yanked his bag over his shoulder.   
He strode through the corridor, walking to his first class and slumping down into his seat next to Mercedes.   
"Yo, white boy." She smiled and in return got a slight head nod and a quiver in his upper lip that could have possibly been made to resemble a smile? "Ok..." She looked back down at her book. "What dyou think this week's assignments gonna be?"   
"Something drab and boring... Probably about how we should all accept everybody no matter what they do or where they come from or how bad they treat other people." His tone was dreary and uninterested.   
Mercedes took his outfit into account and decided to just offer a sympathetic look in the hopes that he would quickly offer up the information. This really wasn't him...   
"Alright class, take out your text books." The teacher said from the front of the class as everyone had taken their seats.   
"Lost my interest already." Kurt mumbled before standing and walking to the door.   
"Mr. Hummel? Do you have somewhere you need to be?" Her tone was accusing, but slightly confused. She at first thought it would be Noah standing to walk out.   
"Somewhere more interesting?" He answered, hearing a couple of gasps from around the room.   
"Oh, like the principles office." She retorted and he scoffed.   
"Sure. If ya like." He smirked and a few minutes later she'd taken him there herself. Though she kept mumbling about 'never acted like this before'  
Of course Sue was there when he got there, any chance to pry on the glee kids.   
"That's outrageous!" Sue stated. "This young boy thinks the rules don't apply to him! Porcelain, what do you have to say for yourself?"   
He was tired of this, all he wanted was to be left alone. There was too many people at the school, and too many noises. And of course, too much crap to go through every day when all he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts. "Bite me." He spoke, standing again and heading for the door.   
Apparently Figgins was too busy being shocked to stop him but he heard Sue come after him after a couple seconds delay.   
"Young boy." She turned him round and he shrugged her hand from his shoulder, looking up at her and making direct eye contact, something she wasn't used to.   
"Yes?" He drolled, raising an eyebrow, uninterested.   
"Where do you think you're going?"   
"I was thinking the park. Or the beach, havn't been there in a while." He said as if it was the most casual thing in the world. He was just so sick of being pushed around by everyone. Glee club, Sue, his family, Karofsky.   
"School isn't over Porcelain. Now get back to your lesson before I give you a week's detention."   
"Fuck you." He spoke clearly, letting the words roll off his tongue with a nice bite before turning on his heel and leaving the stunned teacher baffled as he made his way to the car.   
He took a moment to relax and question what he had just done... That wasn't him. Was it? Had he really just sworn at a member of staff? Especially Sue Sylvester... Above that he'd walked out of class and ditched school.   
After a second he realised he liked the feeling of the bird fluttering around in his ribcage, it was a good feeling. It was one of the only feelings he'd felt since hurt yesterday. And he was in control of this feeling, nobody else.   
He reved his engine and set off for the beach. He was telling he truth that he hadn't been there in years... And while it was miles away, he pushed the part of his subconscious down that told him it was a bad idea, and cruised down the highway towards the beach. Burying his old self under his new self... At least for now.   
That's what he told himself, he just needed a natural bit of rebelling. It would pass... Though thinking about it he wasn't actually sure if he wanted it to.  
\------------  
When he got to the beach he sat atop his bonnet, staring out at the water. No one was there seen as it was a Tuesday. He had the view all to himself.   
He sat there until sunset began, the sky filling with oranges and peaches. The sky mixing like watercolours in the water, almost moulding with the sea itself.   
He gave a sigh of content.   
All he'd thought about, over and over, was the fact that so much had been taken from him... He would never have a first kiss. At least one that counted. He would never find someone who loved him, and share the other intimate acts with that person. No romance. No boyfriends. That was it for him...   
He also thought about Karofsy. How it wasn't actually him tht had done it. In fact, he hadn't known who it was... But Karofsky had pushed him against the locker just beforehand, gripping his throat slightly and whispering disgusting slurs into his ear before giving him a sickly grin and leaving the locker room. Just before the other person had come in.   
And when the shit hit the fan he had actually called for Karofsky... For help. Seen as he would have been the closest. But nobody came.   
'Well' he though, sneering at himself. 'Someone definitely did...' He didn't laugh at his own dirty mind, after all, he realised he was just laughing at himself. He sighed and laid back on the bonnet, feeling the itchiness on his hands and face from the sun all day. He was grateful it was cooling down now he had been sat staring out, looking at the seagulls and birds with his legs crossed and brought up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them but his head held high, cleaning out his thoughts.  
And finally he realised. The person he was acting like today... Was the person he usually decided to keep hidden. But not anymore. He was done being a pushover... Done being told what to do. Done being high maintenance and picking careful outfits and hiding behind them. He gave a smile out to the sea and took a wonder to the mound of rocks, climbing up them till he was at the top, and throwing his arms out, yelling as loud as he could in the progress, out over the ocean, out to sea forever.  
The emotion finally flooded him, but he blinked back the tears. 

No, this Kurt Hummel didn't cry. 

This Kurt Hummel was strong. 

This Kurt Hummel was going to show them all.


	3. Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a contrast to what I usually write but I'm glad so many people are reading my stories!
> 
> Just a quick thanks :)

His phone rang in his pocket and he pulled it out. 

-Dad- 

He sighed and cancelled the call before going to throw the phone into the ocean. He stopped and placed it back in his pocket.   
He'd be home when it was dark and his dad would probably wait up to talk to him. He sighed and climbed down from the rocks, heading back to the car and getting in.   
He'd have enough fuel to get the majority of the way home, probably pass by a gas station on the way so didn't matter too much. He clipped on his seatbelt and looked at his phone, two missed calls from his dad, three from Finn including a text message, and a couple texts from the other kids in glee. He sighed, really not feeling like talking. Seemed they only cared when they could tell he'd changed his outfit, they didn't care about the bullying before that.   
He threw his phone onto the passenger seat and began the long drive home.  
\------------  
The engine spluttered. Yep, out of fuel, just like he thought. He sighed and got out, sitting on the roof for a moment to get a better view of the highway. He'd managed to get to the side of the road and watched as the other cars drove past. The moon was rising in the sky and the cool breeze washed over him as the cars whizzed past.   
He let out a breath he felt he'd been helping in forever, and decided to jump off the roof as he spotted a gas station and head to it. Only problem was it was across the four lanes of fast moving traffic...  
Giving a small shrug he decided to go for it. It wasn't too busy anyway, seen as it was getting toward nighttime. He readied himself and went for it when he spotted an opening. When he looked back up he was in the middle inbetween the lanes on the grassy strip. He felt a strong wind behind him and could feel that he had almost been clipped by a truck. It honked loudly as he managed to turn, letting out a nervous laugh and running a hand through his hair. "Wow..."   
He gave a nervous chuckle and shrugged, the rush felt amazing. Now was the problem of getting over to the other side and making his way back. Piece of cake... Right?   
Giving another shrug he leapt the barrier and waited for his opportunity as the cars and trucks whizzed by so close to him he could almost feel them. When there was another gap he went for it.   
After a couple seconds of bracing himself he turned and saw he was on the other side again. This time he hadn't closed his eyes, and it felt amazing.   
He let out a breath of confidence and stood tall, making his way to the gas station and walking in.   
"Can I get a jug for some petrol?" He asked the cashier. The man behind the counter Gabe him a look before handing over a jug.   
"It's 22 bucks altogether." He said, looking at Kurt while chewing some gum.   
Kurt gave a small side smile. "Well. I only have 20." He placed the money on the counter.   
"That's not enough."   
"Well then..." Kurt swung under the end of the counter and round the other side.   
"Hey! What are you doing?!"   
"I gotta pay someway right?" He leant casually against the counter, looking up at the 30 odd year old. There was a moment's pause.  
"In not a fag ya know."   
"Please I can do it better than any girl could." Kurt smirked and when he went for the other guys fly, he didn't get stopped.   
He smirked again and got to paying the man for the petrol. 

Afterwards he patted the guy on the shoulder and left him to get cleaned up, grabbing the barrel for the petrol, his own money and about 5 packets of chewing gum without paying.   
He didn't even look back at the guy as he walked outside and filled up the tank.   
When he got back to his car he popped in a chewing gum and began filling the petrol, looking out over the highway as he did so, humming to himself while he chewed the tutti fruity flavoured gum.   
Once the tank was full he got back into the car and checked his phone, another missed call from his dad. He sighed and drove the last 20 miles home.   
When he pulled up into the driveway his dad was waiting at the door, his arms folded in that disappointing way he hadn't seen since he was 6 and got accused of cheating on a test from Puckerman of all people.   
He sighed and got out of the car, grabbing his phone and slinging his bag over his shoulder, walking over casually.   
"What's up?" He asked as he walked past his dad into the kitchen.   
"Don't Kurt. I got a call from your teacher today, telling me you disrupted the class by walking out? You swore at your coach? And then! You ditched for the rest of the day! Where were you?" Burt had that tone that Kurt was scared of as a kid. The quiet anger instead of the shouting. But he knew his dad would revert to shouting soon. However, he didn't have the energy, and he didn't feel scared of his dad anymore.   
"Beach." He stated. "Hadda get more petrol from the highway." He added, attempting to raid the fridge but finding nothing that didn't make him feel sick.   
"The friggin beach?! Are you kidding me Kurt? What were you thinking?"   
"I was thinking 'hey I'm bored and want to go to the beach'." Was the answer. And Kurt could tell by his dad's face that while he was furious, he was also taken back by his sons attitude.   
"That's it Kurt. I'm done with this, you need to realise that Finn and Carol are here to stay. And another thing-" Burt snatched the keys from his son, who raised an eyebrow in annoyance. "I'm giving Finn your car. Until you learn some respect. And he's gonna drive you to and from school so that you don't end up doing this again. I don't know what's gotten into you Kurt but-"  
"Night dad."   
Before Burt could even finish his sentence Kurt was walking away to his basement. He locked the door behind him and slumped down onto his bed. He decided he would stay home tomorrow and sort some stuff out, and figured for now a shower, his razor, and his bed would be as good a night as he could make it.


	4. New Start

He had lost count of the amount of times he'd switched his alarm clock off before throwing it across the room.   
When it buzzed once again he decided it was probably time to get up.   
Standing and walking over he noticed the time flashing on the screen. 11:47. Ten to twelve? Hmm. Perhaps his dad had left him to it. After all, he had locked his door. Maybe his dad thought he wasn't feeling very well or something? Either way he shrugged, he had a long day ahead of him, and first things first was a change of wardrobe.   
He cleared it all out, throwing the clothes into the corner and keeping anything that was looser or didn't have a lot of colour at all, mainly white black or grey. Once he was done he stared at the small amount of clothing that was left... He would have to go shopping.   
He looked around his room while shoving the clothes into bin bags. He'd have to consider new paint to get rid of the words he'd painted on the walls in cursive, pretty writing. The mantras that used to make him feel better now just made him want to throw up.   
'Courage'  
'It gets better'   
All of it was garbage. All of it was false.   
He sighed and made his way upstairs, dropping the clothes bags outside and made his way back in to get dressed and head to the mall. Seen as his dad had given Finn the car he would have to walk. He groaned and rolled his eyes thinking of that as he pulled out a white T-shirt and some black jeans. Not skinny ones.   
Then he found one if his dad's old flannel shirts in grey and black that he'd never found anything to do with in his spare-clothes-that-could-be-altered drawer. He pulled it on, it was baggy but felt soft and at the moment he needed baggy.   
After grabbing his phone and checking it - fourteen missed calls from various people - he went and brushed his teeth before scraping his hair back with his hand and making his way back upstairs.   
He was surprised his dad had actually left him there, though after their conversation last night maybe he didn't want another confrontation. Either way, Kurt was happy his dad wasn't there.   
He searched the fridge for anything that wouldn't make him want to throw up. Coming up empty he sighed and just made his way out the door. 

When he got to the mall he avoided the shops he would usually go in, opting for thrift shops and even a few skater shops and some goth shops for plain black shirts and such.   
He had gotten himself a few pairs of baggy black jeans, one pair of blue denim jeans, two new white t-shirts with a band logo on one. A band he'd listened to a while back but just agreed when everyone made fun of it, even though he actually liked them.   
He'd also gotten some necklaces (the ones that would actually be acceptable for guys to wear) some bands for his wrist - that he could expertly place to avoid suspicion of other subjects, a spare pair of black elbow length gloves, some more knee length shoes seen as they actually looked quite good with the new outfit choices, a couple flannel shirts, some fingerless gloves, a beany he'd found that he was actually quite fond of, and a couple of black t-shirts.   
He looked at his haul and figured it'd be enough, after all, he had only payed for a few items on the list...   
Giving himself a smirk he made his way back outside, heading home.   
When he got inside he went straight to his room, his dad would be home soon and he really didn't want a confrontation again. He began blasting music out and the redecoration could begin.   
\------------  
Burt walked through the door to the house, seeing the bags outside with all of his sons clothes in had worried him a bit, but he ignored it and decided to take his time with some tasks before heading to the basement.   
When he finally went down there he noticed what his son was doing, blasting loud music out, paintbrush in hand and ripping posters and pictures off with another. He didn't seem to care how he painted which was strange, he was usually so precise with this stuff.   
He called his sons name but the music was too loud to be heard. He tried a few more times, raising his voice when he didn't get a response. But in the end he made his way down the stairs and placed a hand on his sons shoulder, turning him around.   
Kurt looked at him and took a step back. "What?" The teen asked, turning the music down a little so that he could hear what his dad wanted now.  
"What are you doing?"   
"Painting?" Kurt's gaze was as if to say 'what does it look like?'   
"Why?"   
"Wanted a change. The black looks better. And that walls gonna be white." He answered casually, continuing painting.   
"I saw your clothes upstairs." His dad spoke.   
"Yep. Well done. And?"   
"Well... I'm a bit worried. Ya know, talking back to me, your teachers, staying off from school without a good reason, driving away to the beach of all places."   
"Well can't exactly do that anymore can I?" Kurt's tone was accusing and held a slight sharp bite to it.   
"I'm seriois Kurt. The clothes the painting. I'm assuming it's rebelling becuase of Carol and Finn. But I'm your dad and I'm telling you to knock it off."  
"I'm scared." Kurt retorted, rolling his eyes. "Not everything is to do with them ya know. Well, no, you don't know. You never know, just like everyone else."   
"Kurt..."  
"If you don't mind I'd like to listen to my music and finish my painting. It's a big room." He said, giving his dad a look as if to say 'you know you're bothering me and in this instance I'm in charge'.   
Burt waited a moment before his son rolled his eyes again and turned back to his wall.   
"Fine..." He turned and walked away, looking at the closet that was still open on his way out, eying his sons new clothes... If this was his way of getting rid of Finn and Carol he'd have to try a lot harder than that.   
Kurt waited for his dad to be gone before making sure to quickly finish his work, moving over to the wall he wanted to be white and painting it quickly, covering up the words he had once used to help.   
But no words can help.   
After he'd finished he sat on the edge of his bed, panting. He felt sick to his stomach and quickly made his way to the toilet, throwing up stomach lining as he hadn't ate in a few days. Once he was done he yelled at the top of his lungs, knowing the small tiled room was soundproof enough that nobody else in the house would hear. He stood and looked at himself in the mirror. The boy who looked back was unrecognisable. Good.   
He punched at his reflection, glass sticking into his knuckles and shattering down into the sink and some onto the floor. He looked to his bleeding hand with the glass sticking out of it.   
Before the past few days had happened he had always decided not to fight back because he didn't think he could... The only time he'd thought back was when whoever the fuck decided to take advantage of him. He almost growled and ground his teeth together. He was done playing nice. This was it, he was strong. Very strong. And he knew he could fight back as much as he wanted.   
Eventually, he'd no longer be bullied. Eventually he'd be the strongest, and nobody would want to mess with him.   
He smirked at the idea, looking at his warped reflection and walking back to his room, laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling where he'd slightly painted a skyscape earlier that day before moving on to the walls. He smiled to himself, happy with how this was all turning out. Just disappointed that the means in which to get to this point were so fucked up and that he hadn't been able to make this realisation on his own. 

Oh well, at least he was at this point now... Now he could have some fun.


	5. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a few days, dealing with stuff :)
> 
> It's been raining here in Britain and it always helps me relax and get to sleep and stuff, especially with some of this stuff, so I used that as inspiration.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated :)

It always calmed him down, listening to the rain.   
Whenever he was upset when he was younger his mum would take him out in the car so he could get to sleep listening to the spatters on the windshield and know he was ok.   
It had been raining since the night before and he had easily fallen asleep listening to it. Thankfully the memories of rain helping him weren't tainted by 'that incident' seen as it had only just started raining as he ran from the school. It cleared almost as quick as it had started as well, so he didn't worry about the memories being ruined. He still had them, and his mum being in them only made him more attached to the sounds of pattering at it plastered up above. He knew it was heavy because he could hear it from the basement. And he was thankful it was so loud and comforting.   
The next day he decided to go to school and see what had been going on, he also hadn't been to glee club and he knew Mr Shue would want answers. Especially because he also knew the teachers had a fairly good gossip chain, especially when it came to rebelling students.   
He got ready quite quickly, guiding his hands through his hair and letting it flop back down. He looked at his reflection in his bathroom mirror. He spotted a black long sleeved shirt with holes for this thumbs, black jeans and his black converse. His hair naturally went sort of spiked up and the sides flopped down, he was actually quite pleased with the look and nodded to himself in the mirror, slipping a couple razorblades into his shoulder bag. He made his way to the kitchen and over to the door.   
"Kurt?" Finn's voice.   
"Yes Finn?" He turned on his heels and faced his step brother.   
"Want a lift? You'll be late if you walk..."   
"Fine." He slumped down at the table and slouched in the chair, fully aware of the taller boys accusing eyes on him. "Can I help you?" He asked, not even looking up from checking how many calls and texts he'd ignored over the past few days. 27 all in all.   
"Uh... Just wanted to ask if you're ok?" Finn asked, seeming not scared but cautious.   
He did look up now, putting his head to one side and raising a bored eyebrow at his step brother.   
"Don't give me that look Kurt... You've been ignoring all of glee and skyved for the last two days... And the way you've acted towards Burt..." He lowered his voice to a mumble half way through when Kurt still looked at him.   
"Can we go now?" He stood and walked to the door, he didn't want to talk to someone who didn't care until he began acting out, least of all Finn. The taller quickly finished his breakfast and rushed after Kurt, who had already made his way into the passenger seat, and sat begrudgingly waiting for Finn.   
He stared forward as they set off, thankful for the rain on the window and the silence other than that and the radio playing classic rock. He forced himself not to fall asleep though as he would never hear the end of it. He rolled his eyes when the older boy began to try and start a conversation.  
"So, what's been going on?"   
"Can we not just listen to music Finn?" He sounded agitated, rubbing his temple as he stared at the road ahead.   
"No, I think we should talk about this. Have you even ate since all this started? You look exhausted and you're not even bothering with combing your hair or keeping up with your skincare stuff."   
"Wow, very observant." Hoping Finn would take the hint from his answer that he would leave him alone, but when was it ever that easy.   
"Dude. Look at yourself." Finn said.   
He rolled his eyes and looked at his reflection in the wing mirror. "Yes. It's me. Can we drop this now. Well. Can YOU drop this now." He was extremely aggrivated.   
"What's the matter with you?! Everyone's worried. You can't go all secluded and morbid on us now! Nationals is in a couple months! We need you. And not this." The taller boy gripped the smaller boys wrist and let it go when he saw the death glare from the younger boy.   
"Stop." Kurt demanded. "Stop the fucking car Finn."   
"What?!"   
"Stop the fucking car or I'm rolling for it. Now." Before Finn could actually think to do anything the smaller had opened his door and Finn knew he wasn't joking. He came to a quick stop and watched the smaller boy get out and grab his bag, beginning to walk.   
"You can't do stuff like that Kurt!" Finn tried to call after him. "Kurt!"   
"Fuck off."   
And with that Finn sighed and decided it would be best to just drive the rest of the way without the smaller.   
\------------  
He got to school half an hour late, heading for his first class, English. With Mercedes and Brittany. Brilliant...  
Sitting down while the teacher was having a go at him, he began to take his book from his bag, barely paying attention to the eyes on him or whatever the teacher was rambling on about. Finally she went back to teaching as he doodled in his book.   
His old doodles used to be fashion designs and music notes and lyrics. But now he just drew random scribbles all over the pages.   
"Kurt? Bells gone." Brittany's voice came from in front of him. He liked around to see he'd fallen asleep to the sound of the rain on the windows. He rubbed his eyes and quickly packed his stuff up.   
"I'll see you guys in math later." Mercedes smiled and left the room, making sure to give her best friend a comforting rub of the shoulder before she left. He looked up to see Brittany was still there.   
She knelt in front of the desk so that she was eye level.   
"I missed you the past couple of days." She smiled her usual faraway smile, like her mind was off in a fantasy world and she was riding a unicorn and eating ice cream. He gave a genuine smile and patted her hand.   
"Thanks Brit. I missed you too." He smiled, as much as the other kids in glee had ignored him, he knew Brittany never meant to, she was way too innocent for that. He stood and walked with her to the next lesson, Food. He decided it would be best to sit next to her and help her with the cooking like usual, after all the girl had her own type of smarts, and cooking wasn't one of them. Plus he didn't mind being around Brittany. She was always nice and he didn't want to upset her.   
\------------  
After the lesson he decided to eat his lunch behind the piano in the choir room. Knowing Mr Shue would be eating in the teachers lounge with Mrs Pillsbury. He also wanted to avoid the cafeteria, for both glee kids and the person who had... Done it to him.   
After he was done eating he just sat and listened to the rain on the windows, tapping his fingers on his leg, and for a moment Blaine popped into his head. He missed his best friend and somewhat 'fuck buddy' except without the fucking part but they had done other stuff before Blaine's dad had gotten a new job and had to move to a different state, taking his son with him and leaving Kurt alone.   
He had gotten a text from the boy but ignored it like he did everyone else's... They were so close before, but Blaine - despite having the option - decided not to stay at McKinley but pack up and leave, telling Kurt that they'd always have the time they got to spend together and they'd probably find each other in New York later on in life. But dispute saying he loved Kurt, he refused to continue the 'relationship' long distance.   
He'd broken Kurt heart, and he now knew he was too strong to let Blaine back into his life and just forgive him like he had been trying to before now.   
He sighed when the last bell rang, signalling that people would be filing into the choir room soon, seen as he'd decided to skip the last three lessons of the day and just be with his thoughts and the rain. After all, two of the lessons were history with Mr Shue and he didn't want to give the teacher a reason to ask him about this stuff until necessary.   
He made his way to the back of the seats, sitting off to one side and watching as the first few made their way through the door, Artie and Mercedes, followed by Quinn, Santana and Brittany and the others soon joined as he noticed Mercedes coming over.   
"Ok, what's the deal white boy? I decided not to ask any questions earlier because I figured you'd just been sick or something but this ain't you!" She took in the slouched way he was sitting and also his outfit. "What's with you? Look at yourself. This isn't right! You better give me a damn good reason why I had to make my Dreamcatcher - which was your idea - on my own in home-ech." She demanded.   
He gave a small shrug and raised an eyebrow slightly at her. She looked offended, but couldn't say anything else as Mr Shue came in, telling everyone to take their seats. He saw the teachers eyes land on him and a slight pause before he turned to where Rachel was sat with her hand up annoyingly.   
He knew where this was going and rolled his eyes and Rachel Berry opened her mouth and began to bore and annoy everyone.   
"Mr Shue." She stood and walked to the centre of the room. "I believe we should take this lesson to talk about the elephant in the room." She made sure to look at Kurt when she said that. "We need to discuss working as a team, and how that doesn't work when CERTAIN individuals and skipping class and school all together and aren't even bothered enough to give an explanation." She folded her arms and Kurt was staring at her with a mix of uninterested, agitated, and bored while everyone else agreed, other than Brittany, who just seemed confused. "Mr Shue, we can't work as a team if Kurt insists on skipping out on us."   
"Rachel, have a seat. While I agree, did you ever think Kurt has a reason for being absent?" While the teacher said it Kurt could tell he didn't believe himself.   
"That's the thing, he doesn't have a reason." Finn stated, still sounding annoyed, Kurt knew he'd spoken to everyone about their conversation this morning. "And if he does he clearly doesn't trust us enough to tell us!" The taller turned and gave Kurt a look, to be met with a glare of expert proportions, and everyone else noticed.   
If it wasn't for the fact that this was real life then everyone would have been able to feel the cold in the air.   
"Kurt... What's going on buddy? Come on talk to us." Mr Shue asked, attempting to calm the situation.   
"I'm good thanks. Besides, we all know no matter what I say or no matter how many times I remind you all that this is none of your business-" he glared at Finn and Rachel. "-none of you will accept that so what's the point?" He slumped back in his chair, folding his arms.   
"Kurt that's not fair, we're all just worried about you."   
He laughed outright at his teacher, a cold, condescending noise. "Oh please Shuester. Youre as bad as everyone else. Nine of you need to be worried about me, hell none of you were before so what just cuz I'm actually acting how I felt the entire time you have an issue? Did any of you think it's not me with the problem?" He looked around at everyone.   
"Kurt! You can't speak to staff like that. We've already had one incident of that this week so don't."  
"What exactly gives teachers the right to tell us what to do? You're not my dad. I don't have to do as you say."   
"Well it's not like you're being any nicer to Burt is it?" Finn interrupted.  
"Well whatever, either way, respect is earned. And as far as I'm concerned none of you are granted it from me. Are you all gonna hold me down and beat the truth out of me? No. So why don't you all shut the hell up and get on with the actual lesson." He grabbed his bag strap, ready to be sent out.   
"Kurt what the hell is your problem?!" Finn shouted, standing and turning to the once happy and cheery boy.   
Kurt stood as well and made his way down the stepped floor and making sure to barge his shoulder into Finn on the way past. The taller ground his teeth before grabbing the boy and pulling him back, noticing the boys look at him again. "That's it Kurt! Tell me why? Why are you acting like this?! You owe it to us!"   
"No I fucking don't!" He pulled his arm out from Finn's, ignoring the pain and glaring around the room as everyone gasped. Santana seemed to be the only one going a slight laugh at what she was watching, though she still seemed uncomfortable.   
"Kurt. Do you want me to send you to Principle Figgins?" Mr Shue asked, turning to the smaller boy and putting a hand up to Finn in case he started shouting again.   
"Ill do one better than that." The boy almost spat out, turning and heading to the door. "I quit." He called behind himself as he made his way out the door, ignoring people calling behind him. He didn't hear anyone follow him. Good...  
He could hear the rain was extremely heavy as he made his way towards the door. He made his way outside and pulled out the car key he'd snatched from Finn when bumping into him. Finn hadn't even noticed. He grabbed an umbrella from the trunk and left it on the doorstep of the school where he knew Finn would come out when everyone was done talking about him in the choir room and calling it 'glee club'. He was beginning to realise just how wrong that word was for the group. Everything usually seemed to be sad or wrong or bad. Not gleeful. Not happy. He wrote 'Finn' on a piece of paper and attached it to the umbrella before getting into the car and sitting there for a while, listening to the rain and wathing it splatter on the window, and nothing else. He made sure not to fall asleep, though he honestly felt like it, especially when the happy memories of sitting wih his mum in the car and letting himself fall into his dreams while the rain poured down.   
After about 45 minutes, he finally decided that he would fall asleep if he drove home, so took the keys over to where the umbrella was, and left them there next to it, so that it was obvious, and began walking in the rain, not caring that his hair was a mess and that he was drenched, he simply ran his fingers through it and continued walking. However he didn't walk home, instead he made his way to somewhere else. He needed to be away from home right now. And he knew just the place.


	6. Bar

He entered the door to Scandals, walking up to the counter where they checked ID and handed over his fake one. Not even bothering to smile when the glum man looked at him. He took his ID back and walked in and over to the bar, ordering a vodka red bull and paying before taking it to the smoking area, knowing there was more air out there and it was undercover, so he wouldn't get more drenched, but could still listen to the rain.  
He sat for a few moments, away from the other men in seats at the other end of the area, giving him strange looks.   
He ran his hand through his slightly dried hair. It was dark now seen as it took him so long to walk here without the car. He sighed and drank some of his drink. It burnt. But he kind of liked it, at least it was a feeling. And regardless of it being bad or good it was something.   
He noticed someone was in front of him but he continued to stare at the table. "Cigarette?" The boy asked. He gave a small side smile and was about to decline, changing his mind and taking one of the ciggerettes the boy offered.   
"Cheers..." Kurt mumbled, looking up when the boy held out his lighter. He recognised him, he was one of the boys from McKinley, one of the stoners who skipped class to sit on the roof and smoke. Sometimes he'd hang around the skanks as well, though usually only to pick up weed from them. The skanks tended not to like boys. Though they seemed to have been alright to him in the past - probably because of the femininity.  
"Kurt right?" The boy asked. Kurt looked up, taking a drag from the cigarette and fighting the almost uncontrollable urge to cough his lungs up. He gave a small nod, managing to keep the cough contained and blew out the smoke. It tasted disgusting, but it was alright.  
"Yeah. Would it be too rude to ask what someone else from McKinley is doing here?" He asked as the boy sat next to him, smoking his own cigarette as Kurt took another drag.  
The other boy gave a slight chuckle. "I won't tell anyone if you don't." He smirked to Kurt, who raised a surprised eyebrow. "Yeah, I've never been confident enough to say it I guess. Nobody judges here and at least nobody from McKinley would ever be seen dead here so nobody will find out."   
"Makes sense." Kurt stated, drinking more of his vodka and continuing to smoke.   
"What about you then? I know you're the only openly gay guy. Which I respect. But last I heard you're what 17? 18? What are you doing in a bar drinking away your troubles?"   
Kurt gave a slight smile and a chuckle. "Well, bullies, family, life in general." He answered casually. "I wish I could tell you that telling people would make it easier for you but that would be a lie. I didn't use to believe in hiding who you were. Until I realised that's exactly what I was doing." He gave a small smirk to his glass and downed the rest.   
"Makes sense." The boy retorted, giving a slight nod. "Anyway, I gotta get back inside to my friend, but it was nice seeing you Kurt. I'll see you around. Maybe we can hang out some time." He gave a small wink and left another cigarette on the table in front of the boy as well as a piece of paper wrapped around it loosely.   
Kurt smiled in slight disbelief as the boy left and went back inside, throwing his finished cigarette to the wet floor.   
Kurt unravelled the paper and saw the number, giving another smirk and placing it into the back of his phone for later. "Hey!" He called after the boy. "What's your name?"   
The boy turned as he was about to go through the door. "Mitch." He smirked, before continuing to walk through the door. Kurt smiled and went and grabbed himself another drink, heading back to the smoking area.   
He watched the table for a while before lighting the second cigarette with a random lighter someone had left on one of the other tables, taking a long drag. He was happy he was getting used to it now and didn't feel like coughing as much. He was a little disappointed with the taste that lingered at the back of his throat, but washed it down with more alcohol.  
He knew someone was stood in front of him but didn't look up from the table until that person coughed. When he looked up he saw Sebastian Smyth. The annoying meerkat.   
"Fancy seeing you here." Sebastian smirked, there was something different in his eyes. Possibly worry? Possibly curiosity?   
"Sebastian." Kurt greeted back.   
"What's with the getup?" His old rival sat next to him.   
"Other clothes make me feel sick." Kurt admitted, not really caring anymore. It was a mix between the alcohol and knowing Sebastian would make fun of him either way.   
"Oh... Drinking sorrows away?" Suddenly there was a hint of concern in the boys voice and Kurt raised an eyebrow to him, taking another drag of the cigarette, much to the other boys surprise.   
"It's been a long few months since you last saw me." Was all he said, blowing the smoke at the boy, who chuckled.  
"I can tell. Nice hair by the way." He drank some of his own drink. When he looked back up he noticed Kurt's expression. "Don't worry, not an insult." For some reason Sebastian couldn't meet the other boys eyes, seeming nervous.   
"And what is the great Seb Smyth doing here then?" Kurt asked, attempting to change the subject. Sebastian laughed.   
"I come here a lot remember? Wanted a few drinks and possibly a hook up." He paused before continuing. "...have you heard from Blaine...?"   
Kurt closed his eyes for a moment before looking back to Sebastian, his look saying everything.   
"Ah... Sorry about that. About all of it really. You guys were good together." The other boy admitted. "Say... Kurt..." He knocked the older boy on the shoulder. "I assume you're having issues. If you need to escape you're welcome to stay with me in my room at Dalton tonight?" He seemed confused at himself and Kurt's face made him smirk. "No funny business. Unless that's what you're into now days." He laughed as Kurt's expression became more confused. "Dalton's closer by than your place is and I'm assuming you didn't drive here since you're drinking." He smiled, and for once it was kind.   
"Thank you." Kurt smiled back. "I'm gonna get another drink..." He stood before turning. "Want one?"  
Sebastian smiled. "Sure. Just a beer thanks."   
Kurt went inside and ordered the drinks, bringing them back outside after asking the bar staff if they sold ciggerettes and surprised that they did, bought a packet.   
"So... Kurt. What's been going on with you?" Sebastian asked, taking a swig of his drink.   
"Same as usual. Just guess I got sick of it all and... Finally decided to stop pretending to be someone I'm not." Kurt gave a sad smile and drank half of his drink straight away.   
Sebastian nodded. "I see... Shame, I'm gonna miss those skinny jeans." He commented, taking another drink as Kurt burst out laughing and he followed.


	7. Honesty

Surprisingly Kurt had had a good time round Sebastian's. At first he felt awkward but once they got more alcohol in them they weren't having such a bad time.   
Once they got back to his dorm room at Dalton Sebastian had told Kurt he could take a shower if he wanted, handing him his old Dalton track suit for pyjamas. Kurt had agreed and took his bag with him, letting the warm water drench him before making a couple of cuts into his upperarm. He then washed the wounds and placing the razor back into his bag. He then stood there for a moment more. It was strang to be showering drunk, he'd never done that before.   
He stepped out and got changed into the clothes Sebastian had given him.   
They had spent a while laying on the bed and laughing in between kissing - if you'd have told Kurt he'd one day be kissing Sebastian Smyth he wouldn't have believed you. And when Kurt rolloed off the bed they both sat there laughing for a while.   
Wes had come in to see what the comotion was about and laughed at the drunk Kurt that was still laying on the floor giggling. Wes had greeted him by helping him back onto the bed and giving him a hug, telling him to sober up before morning before leaving the two to it.   
"Shh, Hummel." Sebastian laughed, still seeing Kurt giggling. At least he was happy. "Remember we have a rule here, no sleepovers?"   
"Oh please Seb, I know you have guys in here all the time." Kurt did his best bitch smirk and Sebastian laughed.   
After a while they had began talking about people and music and school. But eventually Sebastian just had to ask.   
"So, Kurt. What exactly happened?" He asked, seeing his new friends - that was weird to think - face fall.   
"Nothing..."   
"Kurt, look you know I'm not a new direction so I won't be able to tell any of the rest of them, I'm being a decent guy now days, I won't bother you about it... And for once you know I'm being nice. It might help to get it off your chest to someone you may not see again for a while." Sebastian stated honestly, turning to look at Kurt and noticing him staring at the bed below him.   
"Um... Yeah. But you need to promise me... I don't think I should trust you after all that's happened but... You're right, you don't go to my school, you don't talk to my friends..." He seemed to be contemplating it and arguing about it with himself. "Promise me...?" His voice was little more than a whisper and he still didn't look up.   
"Kurt." Sebastian placed a hand on his shoulder. "I PROMISE you. I will never, ever, unless you want me to, tell anyone." He could feel the other boy shaking slightly but chose to ignore it.   
"O-ok... Well... Um. It started last week, I had gone to the locker room to clear out the last couple things from when I played football. And... Karofsky came in and like usual was a bit of a bastard... But then he left and..." The boys voice broke but he continued, though didn't make any notion that he thought Sebastian was there. Like he'd been thinking about it over and over and knew the story down to a T and was just speaking it outloud to himself. "And someone else came in... They... They pushed me into the locker and whacked my head back against it... And I felt really dizzy and fell over, and that's... That's when he..." He paused and closed his eyes, his shaking had gotten worse and his voice was full of unwanted emotion. But Sebastian didn't interrupt, he just waited for the boy to continue. "He... Started to take off my clothes..."   
At that point Sebastian knew what had happened and his grip on Kurt's shoulder turned stiff and his expression hardened. If he ever found out who it was... But no, Kurt had trusted his promise.   
"He... Did things to me and made me do things to him... And then... I passed out because it hurt too much. And he three me into the showers and left it running. When I woke up I was soaked and there was... Blood everywhere... It hurt to move but I had to get out of there. I felt like I was drowning... And... And I could hardly talk because my throat hurt so much from screaming for help. But no one came..." He took a shakey breath before suddenly he was curling up on himself, crying. "No one ever comes..." He sobbed and Sebastian held him close, not knowing what to say. He opened his mouth a few times to comfort the boy but could never think of the words. He was still shocked the boy had trusted him with the information. And he would make sure that trust was kept.   
"Shh... Its ok..." He whispered, holding the boy to his chest.   
He knew Kurt could feel his heartbeat and it seemed to be somewhat soothing. Eventually he decided not to talk to calm the boy but to sing. He turned on his speaker and chose a song - he decided on Jessie J 'Who You Are' because it somewhat seemed to fit the situation. He started to sing softly to the music and by the time the song was almost done the boy seemed to be asleep. 

Don't lose who you are,  
In the blur of the stars,  
Seeing is decieving,  
Dreaming is believing,  
It's OK not to be OK...  
Sometimes it's hard,  
To follow your heart,  
But tears don't mean you're losing,  
Everybody's bruising,  
Just be true to who you are...

He repeated the chorus a few times hoping the message would kick in. If you'd have told him Kurt Hummel would be so lost and hurt and alone that he would be spending the night cuddling the boy and singing to him to help him sleep he would have called you crazy. But that's exactly what was happening. And for some reason, he felt honoured.   
He let himself drift to sleep once he made sure Kurt wasn't going to wake up and decided he would take the first couple of lessons off tomorrow to get Kurt home. His dad must have been worried sick and Finn was probably trying to look for him.   
He sighed and let himself drift off.


	8. Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be mainly from the perspective of the other glee club members and teachers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is welcome, if you're enjoying feel free to share with people who might like it. 
> 
> Thanks for the feedback so far and the kudos etc!

The next morning Sebastian woke up to see that Kurt was already ready and waiting for him before he left.   
"Hey" Sebastian smiled, rubbing his eyes.  
"Hi."   
"Ready to go?"   
Kurt simply nodded. As much as he was tempted to leave before Sebastian woke up and forget this ever happened, he didn't have his car anymore and he would need the other boy to drive him at least part of the way home.   
He felt terrible, like the fogginess of a cold was settling on his mind. His nose felt stuffy and his throat itchy. He watched as the other boy got up and got himself dressed, having no shame in front of him.   
Once they got back to Lima Kurt told Sebastian he could drop him off wherever and he would walk the rest of the way. Sebastian had finally agreed and dropped him off outside the school.   
"This isn't exactly what I meant..." Kurt mumbled. "Thanks anyway. But Seb, you tell anyone what I told you last night... I'll kill you." He attempted to give a small smile but Sebastian struggled to tell if he was joking or not.   
"Understood. Here." From the car he threw the other boy a packet of pills. "Help with your headache. You'll need it."   
"Alright. Thanks." And at that Kurt stepped back and the other boy drove away back to Dalton.   
"Hey Kurt!" A somewhat familiar voice called. He turned to see the boy from the night before, Mitch. "Yo, rough night?" He winked. Kurt gave a half arsed smile.   
"You could say that." He mumbled.   
"Well, wanna come hang out with me and some friends? Beats school."   
Kurt looked around to the school where he could see Rachel and Tina were stood at the door, Finn holding it open for them. They all were looking his way and he turned back to Mitch.   
"You got that right. Where we going?" He asked as the other boy Gabe him a cigarette and he pulled out the lighter he'd found the night before, walking with the other boy past the school.   
\------------  
"I'm so worried..." Tina repeated for the fifth time that day as they sat in the choir room.   
"Let me guess, 'Rainbow-Corn The Gay' has done something else totally strange that doesn't seem like himself?" Santana asked, her arms folded as she made her way to sit next to Brittany at the back. "If I'm being honest I'm kinda liking the new rebel Kurt. Sorta makes me wish he was a girl." She smirked as she sat down and everyone stared at her, clearly annoyed by her attitude, though none of them were surprised.   
"We saw him this morning with that Mitch guy, the stoner." Tina continued.   
"Wait, our Kurt has been hanging around with the stoner guys?" Santana asked, suddenly seeming concerned. "Hate to say it but I think gay-face is in trouble."   
"Why? It's not like he would do anything bad." Brittany smiled, holding her girlfriends hand.   
"Well..." Rachel mumbled, though got everyone's attention. She stood and walked to the front. "We saw him smoking. And from the looks of it not for the first time. And... He was getting out of Sebastian Smyth's car. He seemed pretty hung over as well..."   
Everyone seemed to not know what to say.   
"What's going on guys?" Will asked as he walked into the room, looking round at everyone's faces.   
"Mr. Shuester, all of us are extremely worried about Kurt. We think that punishment for skipping school may help..." Rachel admitted.   
"But not something like suspension, but like... Forcing him to come in." Finn added. Tina nodded.   
"When did you guys decide this?" Artie asked.   
"We've been talking about it all day. None of us three can concentrate on classes. We're all too worried." Rachel answered.   
"As much as I hate to agree with dwarf fanny over there, she's right. I think Kurt is all any of us have been talking about..." Santana chimed in.   
"Well I'll have to talk to Figgins. However I have been thinking of punishment. But why not suspension guys? That way he could have time to think about what he's been doing?" Will asked.   
Tina shook her head. "We saw him this morning ditching with one of the stoners... We also saw him smoking and he looked like he was drinking last night..." She admitted.   
"Oh... That... Really doesn't seem like Kurt." The teacher responded.   
"None of this is like Kurt." Finn answered.  
"We don't want him to throw his life away Mr Shue... We care about him too much and giving him suspension would just be giving him the opportunity to ditch class more and hang out with the wrong people." Rachel added, sitting back next to her boyfriend and holding his hand.   
"...has anyone told Blaine? Maybe he could help?" Mike asked from the back. He didn't speak much but when he did it was either because he was happy or because he was worried.   
"I've spoken to Blaine but I haven't gone into details." Mercedes stated. "He was worried about not getting a reply from Kurt for days."  
"Burt says Kurt hasn't replied to phone calls or texts since this whole thing started." Finn added.  
And everyone else in the club added 'me neither' to the mix.   
Will sighed and looked at the worried faces on his kids. He wished there was something he could do for Kurt... Maybe there way. But until he could find the kid, he would stick to teaching this week's lesson and practising for their next competition.   
"Right guys, I know where all worried and I will look into it further with Principle Figgins. But for now we have a competition to prepare for. Finn, Rachel, you both said you'd worked on something?" He said, attempting to get back to normal.   
"Yes..." Rachel answered, standing and walking to the front with Finn.   
"I asked Rachel how she was feeling about this and we both agreed on a song that sums it up pretty good..." Finn admitted.   
"Yes, it popped into my head while preying for Kurt and his safety and I thought it would be good to do." She gave a sad smile and they both began singing their duet.   
\------------  
Emma was waiting for him in the staff room the next day. He gave a smile and sat next to her.   
"Hi, how are you doing?" Emma asked. She smiled when her boyfriend began talking about teaching history and being worried about the next glee competition. "Will, as much as I'm happy to hear about that stuff, you know that's not what I meant." She gave him a sympathetic look as he looked to her. "How are you doing in regards to the Kurt situation?"   
Will sighed. "Terrible. Was it my fault? Was I ignoring him? Was it something the kids have done? I can't think of what could cause Kurt to go all... Anti-Kurt. I mean-" he dipped closer and made sure to whisper. "The girls said they saw him smoking, drinking and hanging out with the kids that... Let's face it really aren't a good influence. It reminds me of what happened to Quinn but... She bounced back really quickly. Kurt seems to be getting worse-" before he could continue she grabbed his hand.   
"Will, slow down. None of this is your fault."   
"I should have seen something was wrong..." He admitted. She gave a small smile, he was always holding the weight of other people's issues on his shoulders.   
"Well if it isn't the instigator for the rebellious feminine teens." Sue's voice came as she walked up next to them. "I just wanted to let you know I blame you for what happened to not-so-sweet, dear Porcelain. I have the right to believe that your endless supply of soft, pansy song choices and constant broadway songs that absolutely nobody gives a hoot about is what sent him over the edge. Now he's walking around like Puckerman and acting like a bad person because you've filled his brain with the sound of pure garbage and now that's how he's acting." She gave a smirk but there was a hint of sadness behind it.   
"Sue, please don't make jokes about this. We need to help Kurt not make fun of his situation." Emma stated.   
"And what exactly is that situation Erma? None of us know what instigated this. Nobody knows in fact. So all we can do is attempt to crack down on him, bring him back to school and hope this all blows over soon. For that kids sake." Sue retorted. "That's our job. See ya later buddy." She patted Will on the back before walking back out of the staff room with her fresh coffee.   
"...I hate to say this but for once I think I agree with her. We should talk to Figgins. Organise a meeting between Burt, Kurt and us. See if we can figure out why Kurt is doing what he's doing." Emma admitted.   
"Makes sense... I'll make some calls." Will answered, finishing his lunch before walking back to his office.   
\------------  
"All I'm saying is maybe he's just finally going through puberty? Maybe he's finally turning into a boy!" Santana stated, watching as Rachel's face turned to disgust.   
"You're a horrible friend Santana." She answered.   
"What explanation do you have then?"   
"Maybe he got his Hogwarts letter?" Brittany interjected, getting the usual look of confusion from everyone.   
"What if the bullying was worse than we thought but none of us noticed? Maybe he's just upset with us..." Mercedes suggested, a hint of guilt in her voice. Everyone was feeling the guilt, while they weren't sure what was wrong they did feel like they could have all done more.   
"I don't think the bullying could get THAT bad." Quinn argued. They all nodded.   
At that point they noticed the boy walking past them, dressed in the same clothes as the day before and ignoring them completely.   
"Kurt..." Rachel half spoke, tugging at his sleeve.   
He turned and looked at them all, eyes bored and red.   
"Can I help you." He spoke, though it wasn't really spoken like a question.   
"We all miss you Kurt..."   
He shook himself free before giving a small uninterested shrug. He was clearly stoned.   
"Well did you ever think perhaps the feeling isn't mutual?"   
"Alright lady, listen here." Santana started, moving towards him. As she went to poke at his chest to put her point across and go all Lima-heights with her words, he grabbed her wrist, gripping it firmly but not too hard. He stared into her eyes, not wavering or changing expression. If it was possible he seemed even more bored.   
"No, you listen. All of you." He threw her wrist to one side. "Forget that you knew me. Forget about whatever feelings you may have towards me. That person is gone now. He's not here. This is me now and all of you can either get used to that and stop crying over the idiot I used to be, or you can just go on with feeling sorry for yourselves and moping around because I have better things to do." And with that he turned and continued to where he was heading.   
\------------  
"Kurt?" Mr Shue asked as he walked into his office, surprised to see the boy draped over two of his chairs. He looked up with an uninterested expression.   
"Don't get your hopes up. Miss Fuckwhitt sent me here because apparently 'ony you can talk sense into us glee kids'." His voice was full of sarcasm and Will decided to ignore the swearing as he perched on the edge of his desk. He sighed.   
"Come on, Kurt. Cut the crap." He spoke, hating to talk to a student like this. Though he knew it was usually the best way to get through to Puck. "Seriously, what's going on with you?" He folded his arms.   
"I'm just growing into who I'm supposed to be. If you're not going to give me detention can I go? I've got plans." Was the answer.   
"Kurt I'm just worried. We all are. We've all been there for you through everything... What's so bad now that we can't help?"   
"Perhaps you didn't help enough before." Once again the kids voice was filled with sass and sarcasm.   
"Well tell us how we can help now."   
"You can't. Nobody can. Not you, not those guys, not my dad. Nobody. What's done is done. That's it." The boy stood and walked out of the door.   
Will sighed and picked up his phone, ready to organise the meeting.


	9. Pull the Trigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -not an actual warning for suicide or murder or anything that could relate to the title other than the fact that Kurt is fully triggered by something that happens- (no spoilers)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for delay, been dealing with a mega fucktonne of shit recently, sorry if you guys were waiting.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated :)

"Nice shirt dude." Puckerman's voice dragged him from his thoughts.  
He had been sat outside the school in his Navigator for the past three hours, biding the time before he would go home. The night before he had hung out with the stoners, and the night before he had been with Sebastian at Dalton. He just didn't want to face his dad.  
His phone had died the day before and he didn't really care.  
He tilted his head to look at Puckerman, who had thought it a good idea to invite himself into the shiney car. "Thought Finn had his key back?" Puck asked, holding out his hand as if asking for a drag of the boys cigarette.  
Kurt rolled his eyes and handed it to the other, pulling out a fresh one and lighting it for himself. "I commandeered them. Gonna put them in his locker before last bell goes." He answered, returning to staring back out of the window.  
"Hummel, you have never liked me, and now you're acting like me. What the deal?" Puck asked, sinking back comfortably into the seat.  
Kurt scoffed. "Ah yes, because I'm Reckless enough and have such little IQ that I would also attempt to steal an ATM." He chimed, not skipping a beat as usual. This made Puck give a dry chuckle. It was clear he was worried - and if HE of all people was worried, must have been a shock to everyone. "I'm not acting like you Puck. I'm not even acting. I'm just... Becoming myself. Nothing wrong with that. Nice to have the pretend curtains called." He mumbled, still staring forward.  
"This is some good shit" Puck smirked, knowing Kurt had been hot boxing the car before returning to normal ciggerettes. "I think you're a philosophical stoner though." He added, getting an eye roll from the boy.  
"Well I always thought I would be a happy, hungry stoner but try as I might I can't make myself smile or a sandwich." He sighed, shifting down into his seat.  
He wasn't exactly sure why he hadn't kicked Puckerman's out. The guy was another person he didn't want to think about. Someone who hadn't cared - scratch that - who had cared the LEAST when all this bullying went down. He never defended him, pushed Karofsky or any of the other football guys back.  
"Kurt." It was the first time Puck had ever used his first name.  
"What."  
"Tell me."  
There was a miserable, long silence before Kurt was telling him to 'get the hell out of his car'. Pick had sighed and gripped him by the arm, thinking intimidation would work was a bad mistake.  
Kurt's fist impacted his cheek, but he didn't stop as the other boy fell out of the car, only gripping harder onto the slighter boys wrist and dragging him with him. Smoke plumed from the open door as Kurt didn't stop, he continued hitting Puck until he let go, and then continued afterwards, completely losing sight of the small boy in the back of his mind who not even a week ago was afraid to stand up to anyone.  
He didn't know how long he had been going at it but his vision clouded red and black with small white speckles, and he was exhausted and he felt himself being held back, forced to drop whatever it was that he had grabbed to smack the other boy with.  
He took a moment to breathe, a small part of his vision coming through between the anger as he struggled against whoever-the-fuck was holding him.  
He told himself to breathe. Stop hyperventilating. Don't be a pussy.  
After a moment he stopped squirming as much, looking down at Puck who was laying there, face bloodied, looking up at the wild boy as he held his bruised eye. Laying next to him was one of Finn's football shoulder pads. That's what Kurt had managed to pick up in a scramble to get the boy off of him.  
He tried to relax his breathing but could hear a crowd around them, and whoever was holding him, his voice finally coming through the ringing in his ears.  
"Kurt, stop! Kurt you're OK, stop fighting... Just relax. You're alright now." It was Mr Shuester.  
He began to try cooling his breathing once again, this time breathing through his nose and hoping it would help.  
He saw Finn come over and help Puck up, who avoided eye contact with Kurt and seemed scared. 'Of course he's scared you idiot...' He reminded himself.  
He took a risk at finally looking to the crowd to see more than the glee group there. Turned out about quarter of the school wanted to see this.  
He noted the glee members faces, as he still felt himself struggling somewhat to get out of the grip of his teacher, his arms being held behind him and stinging a lot. If anything it was making it ten times worse and harder for him to calm down.  
He looked at the faces of disappointment and pure fear on his once-friends. He spotted Karofsky looking worried and cautious. He noted Coach Sue and Coach Biest looking bewildered and hurt. Biest even seemed close to tears as she helped Finn get Puck to the nurses office.  
There was an uncomfortable silence that fell around and it seeped into him. Ran through his fibres and in through his bones. Settling in and making him feel both sick to his stomach and itchy all over like he wanted to rip out his own bones just to get rid of the feeling.  
He looked away from everyone as Coach Sue began telling all the kids to get back to their clubs or detentions and attempting to get everyone back inside.  
After it started to become empty outside again all but the glee kids, Mr Shue finally released his hold on the boy, though wearily still seemed reluctant to do so.  
Kurt himself tugged away, tacking a step away from his teacher and subconsciously tugging down his sleeves, not making eye contact with anyone as he found a bloody spot on the floor to stare at.  
Coach Sue pulled Will to once side and began speaking - not too discreetly because he could hear everything they were saying - about punishment.  
This was when he decide to finally look up, setting his jaw as he stared at his 'friends'.  
They all looked terrified...  
He looked back to his car... Finn's car. His dad had given it to a son that wasn't even his... Just because of one argument.  
He could hear and feel the worry radiating from Coach Sue and Mr Shue as they continued to talk. It surprised him that Sue was talking differently to usual, dropping all of her cocky arrogance and opting to speak about this situation like a normal human being, stealing quick glances at the kid every so often.  
Kurt held the gaze whenever she made it, before finally opting to finding that spot of blood once again, and zoning out.  
Eventually - though only a couple of minutes had gone by - the situation felt over as Rachel's phone began to ring. Everyone looked to her as she looked to her teachers apologetically.  
"Hello?" She called, answering the call. She looked to Kurt before pausing. Seeming like she didn't want to speak through fear of having the same treatment as Puckerman had received. She reluctantly held the phone forward. "It's... It's Blaine." He could nearly hear the whisper that escaped the girls scared, trembling mouth. He looked down for a moment t before walking over, bringing his hand forward. He saw her visibly flinch as he got close. He paused, keeping eye contact, before softly taking the phone. He walked back to his previous spot, his back to everyone now as he felt their eyes stabbing through him.  
"Yes?" He asked, his voice a whisper. His throat was sore. He was already ill, but now he assumed he had also been screaming while hitting the boy.  
"Kurt?! Oh my god Kurt... What's wrong? Everyone's being really vague and you havnt answered any messages and your phones been going straight through to answer for the past two days! Come on talk to me... Come on baby."  
That was it. In a flash of anger Kurt yelled. "IM NOT YOUR FUCKING BABY!" before throwing the phone into the ground as hard as he could, the technology exploding.  
He turned fast to the others, panting in anger as they stared - shocked - at him. He didn't hesitate as Will made one step towards him, and ran.  
He ran so fast and so hard, making sure to ignore anyone who was calling after him, or any steps people were taking in following. They only made him sprint harder. Faster.  
He felt his leg muscles fencing and burning as he ran and ran. No clue where he was headed until he ended up at the corner of the street near his dad's garage.  
He took a moment, panting as his dad's gaze met his own.  
Realising what had happened, that he'd reverted back to his childish ways of running to his dad's work all the way from school when he was younger when something went wrong, he felt his breathing hitch, his dad taking a step forward as his eyes never left his sons. Worry and anger the main two emotions the boy could tell his dad was feeling.  
Without another thought he gave a tiny shake of his head, before bringing himself back to reality and running away yet again.  
He ran further and further, to the point where he collapsed at a busstop and sat there, fighting for breathe, seeing white spots fuzzing in front of his vision. He takes a moment, a long, draining moment. Before realising... Half way through running away from his dad... He had started crying.  
He wiped at his cheek softly, his fingers feeling fuzzy from lack of oxygen. He stared at the tears, open mouthed as if the world had just ended around him. After almost half an hour of staring at his hand he clenched his fist.  
No.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That was all he could think.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It seeped through him, suffocating any attempt the old Kurt made at escaping.   
  
  
  
  
No.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
No.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
NO.   
  
  
  
  
  
Fuck Blaine.   
  
  
  
  
Fuck Puck.   
  
  
  
  
  
Fuck everyone.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
No...


	10. Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's taken me so long to update, house had no internet for a while and had to finish off some uni work for a deadline.
> 
> Either way I've had what was going to happen in this chapter in mind so hope you guys enjoy!

The bird were chirping loudly as he could no longer keep his eyes closed to the bright sun beaming through the slats.  
He sighed, almost contently, before shifting slightly, his back and butt numb from where he had been sitting/sleeping. He went into his bag and pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter and lit one, listening to the birdsong and letting his eyes adjust to the morning glow on the concrete.  
"Hey, who are you?" A female voice came. He turned to look, noticing the group of skanks coming under the bleachers.  
"Tired and in no mood for an argument." He answered, not exactly angrily but enough to warn the girls his mood could change quickly if they annoyed him.  
"I know you, you're one of the ones that took Quinn away." The big girl spoke, pulling out her own ciggerettes and leaning against the wall across from Kurt, who looked unamused.  
"Not anymore." He answered, taking a long drag of his own cancer stick and looking at the girls in turn.  
"Did you sleep here?" The thin black haired girl asked next, noticing the bag next to him and his dishevelled look.  
"So what if I did?" He kept eye contact.  
"Hard core. How come?"  
"Family. Old friends. Life in general." He mumbled back, watching as the girl took a sip of her coffee.  
"Havnt I seen you hanging around the stoner kids?" The third girl chimed in.  
"That's me." He sighed and stubbed his cigarette out.  
"That's a change I never expected." The thin one spoke again. He gave an unamused smirk before standing and draping his bag over his shoulder, nodding to the girls before walking to the opening in the bleachers.  
"Hey, Kurt."  
He turned to face the girl, who seemed to be the leader.  
"We don't tend to get along with guys too much, but you seem cool. Ever need somewhere to hang out feel free to come here. We just gotta get the coach back from Coach Bullshitter that Quinn won us for under here and it'll be more comfortable." She nodded when Kurt nodded and watched him go.  
\------------  
He wondered into the corridor, it was about half an hour early to be there and it was empty as he walked.  
Though a few teachers seemed to be dwelling in the staff lounge and he was about to walk past but stopped, shrugged, and headed inside. He wondered over to the coffee maker, pouring the warm drink into a mug and avoiding the stares he got before beginning to walk out.  
That was when Mr Shuester walked in. The teacher stopped in his tracks, spotting the boy and taking a moment before talking.  
"Kurt, I'm glad you're alright..." Was his first words. "But you can't be in the teachers lounge."  
"Dehydrated." Was the answer as the teen made his way to the door.  
"Kurt."  
He turned.  
"I'm glad I ran into you. Your dad will be in in about twenty minutes for a meeting with Principle Figgins. We'd all like for you to join us."  
He took a moment to stare his teacher down before sighing and rolling his eyes as he walked out. "Fine."  
\------------  
Burt sat across from Figgins, with Will and Emma sat on the sofa to the side and Coach Sylvester stood on the other side, her arms folded.  
Fifteen minutes late to the meeting Kurt rocked up, not even bothering to answer as the secretary attempted to stop him, and walked into the room, slamming the door and dropping down into the seat next to his dad, staring at his principle. He raised an eyebrow in expectance, making sure to avoid looking at anyone else.  
"Kurt thank you for joining us. Mr Hummel I am sorry to have called you out from work." Figgins finally spoke.  
"Anything for my boy." Burt answered, not missing the eye roll his son gave.  
"We shall get right to the point." Figgins nodded to Will and Emma.  
"We believe that something has happened to make you act out Kurt." Shuester began. "Maybe bullying or something of that nature. Either way we have tried to help and support you-"  
Kurt scoffed. "Please. Spare me the lecture. None of you did anything to help or support me. Teachers say they care but they really do not give a shit." He leaned back in his chair, ignoring his dad's annoyed look at the language he'd used.  
"Kurt we can't help if you won't tell us what's going on. Ya know, I don't even recognise you... You're wearing these weird clothes, strutting around like you're that puckerman kid, skipping classes... I mean did you even think to tell me before you spent the past three days away from home?" Burt asked.  
"Technically not true, firstly I like my new clothes, they're baggy and comfortable and cheap. Second, I'm not attempting to be anything like Puckerman, I'm only being myself. And third, I have been home you were just working." The kid just stared at the desk through his corrections. "And in case none of you can tell, this intervention or whatever this is set up to be is not and will not work." He now looked around at everyone in turn.  
"Kurt we just want to help you. I believe that we should start seeing each other once a week." Emma stated. "I think it could help. And Mr Shuester says he'll let you back into glee, and as long as you stay in school every day then there won't be any reason to punish you."  
"And what if I refuse." He answered, clearly unamused.  
"Well the first two are your choice, but if you don't start coming to school then your punishment will be to come to school everyday. And be forced into it otherwise the school board will have to look into long term suspension and possible expulsion." Figgins answered.  
"This is such bullshit." Kurt sighed. "Other people have taken way more time off than me. You're all just punishing me because I'm not acting like your little perfect gay fairy kid anymore. And now that I'm not letting anyone push me around anymore, you're all threatened. I don't need school. I was smarter than most people here before I stopped coming and expelling me won't do anything." He looked at them all once again, anger in his voice.  
"Porcelain." Sue finally spoke up. "I know you and I havnt always seen eye to eye, and let's face it that's probably because you were a part of the club I was aiming to destroy and I know that now you're no longer part of that club I shouldn't really care. But temper tantrums or not you remain one of my favourite students. Heck I think I like ya even better with a bit of backbone." She smirked. "You've always been smart, motivated, talented in multiple fields. I don't want to see you waste all that potential over this... Whatever it is. If someone's done something to hurt you you shouldn't hurt yourself because of it. Because throwing away your future like this is just destroying you. Not whoever or whatever is the reason behind this." She finally stopped, and noticed the kid wasn't looking at anyone anymore, and had gone to pulling at his sleeve slightly.  
After a moment he looked up at Figgins. "Can I go?" He asked, though the confidence he had acquired recently was wavering from his voice. The principle took a second before realising he couldn't do anything an gave a small nod.  
The boy picked up his bag and placed his over his shoulder, walking out.  
"Kurt."  
He didn't turn round to face his dad but stopped.  
"You don't have to talk when you do, or listen, or do anything other than go down to your room or whatever it is you wanna do. But will you come home tonight?"  
He could feel his dad's eyes on him, boring into him as well as everyone else's. He hated it. He hate the feeling.  
He don't answer, just walked out as soon as possible, making his way quickly outside where he noticed some of the glee kids near Finn's car. Not his car. Not anymore. He noticed them look at him, Puck even fave a small nod to show no hard feelings - though his eye and lip were still bust from before. He didn't go over, he couldn't. He could feel his breath hitching in his chest. He gripped his bag strap harder and saw their worried expressions when they must have seen his shaken appearance and the fact he had been staring at them.  
He shook his head and walked away quickly, feeling their eyes on him as he walked quickly.  
He knew his dad would go to work once he was done with the meeting so managed to make his way the long journey home by foot without freaking out too much, but by the time he had gotten there he was almost wheezing for air. He slammed the door shut behind him, feeling his keys drop from his shaking hand and dropped his bag to the floor.  
Suddenly the hunger from the past week felt bad, but he knew he wouldn't be able to eat without throwing up. He could feel his arms itching to be cut open, but he couldn't move, his lungs collapsed in on themselves and he gasped for air as he felt himself tumble into the kitchen counter, his vision going black around the edges.  
After a few minutes of being curled up on himself he slowly felt the smaller bits of oxygen returning, bit by bit he felt himself returning to normal, having calmed himself down by measuring himself he was alone, no one was here, he was fine.  
He gave himself a moment to rest before slowly standing on shaky legs. He leant on the kitchen table for support as he took in the breaths.  
He had never had a panic attack before, it was strange. But like everything else he found himself feeling numb to that as well. He gave a small shrug, recovering from his episode, before grabbing a glass of water and downing it before making his way to his room and locking the door behind him, ready to cut some fresh marks and puke his guts up from the feeling of emptiness. At least it would help him feel...  
At least he could control it...


	11. Old friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Had a load of stories and work to keep up with, my bad

"I heard you hadn't been doing well but..." A familiar voice rung through the air. "Well, I never expected this."   
His eyes shot up to meet the bowtie wearing boy.   
The underside of the bleachers had become a regular hang out for him, since he could get some rest, no one bar the skanks and some other stoner kids.   
"What are you doing here...?" He asked, though he knew his voice had lost all its edge and came out as more of a whisper.   
"I told you, I heard you hadn't been doing well... After that phone call the other day I decided it would probably be best to come visit." Blaine answered, giving a small shrug. His face was filled with pity at his ex boyfriend.   
He was right about how he looked though. He wore baggy black jeans and a big black jumper, though it hung slightly low around his collar, showing his thin collarbones and thin frame, made thinner by his extremely pale skin and sunken eyes. His hair flopped over his face and his blue eyes lacked the usual spark they held.   
Blaine unclenched and clenched his fists anxiously as he stared at his ex, who looked away and grabbed a packet of cigarettes from his bag, not caring when he got a soft gasp from Blaine.   
The smaller boy came and sat across from him, still playing with his hands. He gave a small smile as Kurt lit his cigarette and began smoking it.   
"So... Mercedes told me all she knows." Blaine explained. "I would have talked to Finn but... I heard you two havnt been getting along all too well and I didn't exactly want a bias opinion."   
"If you didn't want a bias opinion you shouldn't have spoken to any of them." Kurt mumbled, staring down at the floor.   
"Well, you have been ignoring my texts and calls..." Blaine smiled, attempting to lighten the mood. All he received was silence. "Kurt look... I..." He sighed. "I wanted to visit. I wanted to stay but..."   
"No. No you didn't. Or you would have... You left and broke us up and left me all alone... With people who don't care. And won't care. And you stopped caring. Everyone did." Kurt answered, he was too tired for this conversation.   
"Kurt I love you, you know that."   
"I knew it. I knew you DID. And that's how I know you don't now..." He continued to smoke.   
"What's going in Kurt? Seriously, we need answers. I need answers. Did you really think I wouldn't come visit when you did that to Rachel's phone, and everyone told me what you've been doing?"  
At that Kurt saw all the images from the past week or so flash through his mind. He blinked hard when he came back to reality, noticing Blaine was now knelt in front of him, a hand on his shoulder and a worried expression grazing his features. "Kurt?!" Blaine asked softly, staring intently into his ex's eyes as the boy came back to his senses, blinking as tears rolled down his cheeks.   
"Leave me alone!" He yelled, pushing Blaine back, who fell down, still staring at him. "Leave me alone... Just all of you!" He stood, gripping his bag strap with shaking hands as his voice hitched. But as much as he tried, the tears refused to stop.   
Blaine stood, walking slowly over with his hands up in defense, like trying not to startle a dear. "Hey... Hey, relax Kurt... You used to tell me everything... What's going on? Please?" He pleaded, stepping closer. When Kurt didn't move and just stood staring at him, he stepped closer until he could place a hand on his boyfr- his ex's shoulder. When he didn't feel the boy pull away and give just a simple flinch, he quickly wrapped him in a hug.   
Kurt froze, what was happening? How had Blaine always been able to disarm him, with everything Blaine was always there to keep him from the brink, to relax him and help calm him until he opened up.   
And he was sick of it.  
He had given it up.  
He had...

But why did this feel good, to receive a hug after all this time? It felt like months since this had started...

And suddenly, the good was replaced with bad, crippling, suffocating, strangling. His breathing hitched again and he began struggling against the hug, squirming, visions of 'THAT day' flashing through his mind.   
Blaine finally let go but gripped Kurt's shoulders, shaking him lightly as he hyperventilated.   
"Don't! Stop! Please!' Kurt cried, trying to get him to let go, pleading and bargaining as he finally scrambled away.   
Blaine could only stare as Kurt broke down. The broken boy in front of him, barely recognisable as he gripped his own arms, staring just through him as his lip quivered. And just like that he was off running, stumbling as he ran and ran and ran. He didn't know where, and he didn't realise this was becoming a habit.   
All he thought was that he needed to get away from whoever it was that was trying to hurt him.   
Maybe he could run far enough and find someone to help? But who... Who would help? Nobody could.   
Blaine yelled after him, clenching his fists at his own stupidity for letting him go. And so very very worried for him... What could have happened to cause this...? Nodding to himself he decided to go search everywhere Kurt would have gone, beginning with the school and then his house. It was something at least...


	12. Reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WASSUP EVERYONE!
> 
> I know it's been a long while but right this second I'm taking about a half hour break from my uni work so i figured i'd try and update most of my older stories especially the ones people have been requesting.
> 
> I hope this is alright, i know it's been a while and i don't wanna disappoint if its not as good? Idk...

"Oh my god I haven't seen you in ages!" Rachel smiled and hugged him. Blaine chuckled.   
"I just wish it was under better circumstances." He responded, giving a slight shrug.  
"You're always welcome here, Blaine." Mr Shuester smiled, the other glee kids greeted the ex Warbler and afterwards Blaine looked at everyone.  
"I wanted to come back before now..." He began to explain.   
"We know." Rachel smiled.   
"I tried to talk to him, he started crying and... it didn't really seem like he was there. Ya know?" Blaine tried to explain as they made their way into the choir room. "Like he was stuck in the past or at a different place and wasn't quite seeing me." He paused. "He ran off before I could figure out what was going on properly."  
"He was crying?" Mercedes asked from the back.  
"Not at first. He was... kinda quiet and didn't really show any emotion. After a while he got upset... I don't know, maybe it was a mistake for me to come back at this point. I should have come back sooner. Maybe i could have stopped this from happening or I could have helped at least."  
"None of this is your fault, Blaine." Mr Shue clarified. "How long are you visiting for?"  
Blaine shrugged. "Couple of weeks. I'm staying with one of the graduates from Dalton for a while seen as my dads gone to Europe for a bit. So it's really when my dad gets back I guess. Don't really like being in the big house all by myself." He smiled. It was good to catch up with everyone.   
"What about your mum?" Finn asked.   
"She's been really busy recently, works got her running around all over the place. She sleeps when I'm at school and is working the rest of the time." He shrugged. "Still, it;s not all bad. I've thrown a couple of parties at the house and stuff." He smirked. "Anyway, I'd love to join glee today but... I think I should probably try and find Kurt."  
Mr Shue nodded in understanding.   
"Mr Shue, am I OK to help Blaine look?" Finn called up. The teacher nodded, saying that Kurt was more important. Nationals wasn't for a while so it was all fine.   
\------------  
"Good to see you again man." Finn smiled, strapping himself into the passenger seat of Blaine's car.   
"You too, Finn. It's nice to be back. Familiar." Blaine drove out of the McKinley car park, driving down the street and trying to think of where he could have gone while having idle conversation with the quarterback. "So I would like as much info as possible about whats happened... though I know you guys don't know a lot it would really help if you could explain what you do know. I know you live with him so." Blaine smiled.   
"I think that might be one of the problems." Finn admitted. "Burt says Kurt was fine up until a little while after we moved in."  
"You really think he'd hold that against you guys? He loves you and Carol." Blaine turned a corner.   
"I don't know... Maybe." Finn shrugged, keeping his eyes on the road and fiddling with his hands. "It wasn't too bad at first, he was just being more casual and didn't seem to care about anything as much. A couple days into it though he was wearing really baggy clothes and didn't look like himself anymore. Every time I touched him he pulled away, and there was the incident with Puck..."  
"That was the phone call thing right?" He took another turn heading toward the Lima Bean.  
"Yeah, yeah... They were in the navigator and... we don't know exactly what happened since we didn't get there till after. Puck said he tried talking to Kurt and Kurt flipped." He looked down. "You said it looked like Kurt wasn't there...? Like... like he was stuck in the past or some other place or something?"  
Blaine nodded. "Yeah. It was really weird."  
"That's how it was then. He just lost it and wasn't himself. We had to hold him back and get Puck away from him. Puck's ok now, he said it's fine. But he is kinda scared of Kurt now and he doesn't really get scared of anything."  
"Has anything happened after or other than that?"  
"He ended up coming home for a couple days but didn't talk to us. I don't really think he's eating or sleeping much. Oh... he started hanging out with the stoner kids, and uh, Sebastian Smyth. He's been smoking and stuff..."  
"Sebastian? Seriously?" Blaine actually smiled a little at that. Those two had always hated each other.   
"Yeah it's pretty weird. Basically whatever you wouldn't expect Kurt to do, he's doing." Finn shrugged as they got out of the car at the Lima Bean.   
\-----------  
Kurt sighed, looking down at his phone and smirking as Sebastian walked into the smoking area.   
"Hey~" The Warbler greeted, resting against the table and placing down two drinks, one for himself and one for Kurt.   
"What took you so long, Smyth?" Kurt smirked.   
"Now, now darling, don't get touchy." Sebastian smirked back and held his arm out, asking permission to give his new friend a hug. Kurt paused for a second before giving a small nod and letting the taller boy hug him. Sebastian knew when to stop touching him and sat down at the table, taking a sip from his drink. "So, what brings you here so early in the day?"  
Kurt looked down at the table, taking a drag of his cigarette and a sip of his drink. "Blaine." He looked up at the confused Warbler. "He came back. To 'check up on me'." He scoffed.  
"You didn't tell anyone else...?-"  
"No. I didn't. Only you. It's not their problem and it's certainly not HIS."   
Sebastian shrugged. "I see what you mean. It's your choice who you tell, and I feel privileged you chose me." He placed a hand over his own chest in a flattered manner with a small smirk playing on his lips. "What did Bowtie say?"  
"Thought you used to like Blaine?" Kurt countered.   
He shrugged yet again. "I went off of him. Too preppy, 'perfect' etc. Besides, when i found out that he broke your heart i actually ended up feeling a bit angry toward him. Mainly the way he did it, how he just up and left. I didn't like you back then but i knew you'd never done anything to hurt anyone. Didn't seem fair to me that he would do that to you. That the universe would be so bad for you."  
Kurt found a small smile tug at his lips. "Kinda ironic isn't it."  
"The universe is a bitch. I know that, you know that. Better we know it now before we go and try and grow up to have everything we've ever wanted put in front of us." Sebastian continued drinking his drink. Kurt did the same. It was still weird to hang out with Seb but he was right. "Wanna invite that cute stoner guy from your school?"  
"Sure." Kurt answered, typing to Mitch to see what he was up to. Of course he was willing to come for a drink and then a smoke later. "He'll be here soon." Kurt informed Sebastian.   
"I better get the next round in then." Sebastian smirked.   
"You got this last one."  
"My dad has money, I don't mind pissing some of it away for us to have some fun."  
Kurt smirked and watched Sebastian walk back inside. He sighed and finished his cigarette. Everything was getting complicated, he'd have to avoid Blaine, make sure the others didn't try to piss him off, and make sure the teachers didn't try and force him to come back to school. He sighed, and smiled as Mitch and Sebastian walked through the door. He needn't care about anything tonight. Tonight, he could have some fun.


	13. Comparison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt remembers the last time he'd been in this place, having way less fun than he was having now.   
> And of course, this time had to go just as bad...

After a few more drinks, laughing and a quick trip to the nearby river for a smoke, they headed back to the pub.  
Sebastian ordered one more round of drinks and they sat outside at their usual table. The inside of Scandals was fun, lots of music, dancing, men. But Sebastian wouldn't let Kurt be put in a crowded room full of men with what had happened. He doubted Kurt would mind too much since he was pretty drunk, but Sebastian didn't want to take that risk.  
"Well, little ones, I'm afraid I have to go now." He informed them, finishing the rest of his drink. He didn't miss the smile falling from Kurt's face.  
"Why, Seb?" He asked, smoking his cigarette.  
"Unlike some of us, I have school tomorrow, and a curfew I missed about-" he looked down to his watch. "An hour ago." A smirk and a wave later and he was heading out the door.  
Kurt and Mitch went back to talking and laughing, and not long afterwards Kurt got a text from Sebastian. He hadn't wanted to charge his phone at all, but if he wanted to hang out with different people then he figured it was for the best. He still ignored all texts and calls from his family, his old friends.  
'Text me if anything happens - Seb X'  
He smiled and placed his phone back in his pocket, going back to his conversation.  
\------------  
The conversation turned into flirting, which turned into kissing, which turned to them heading to the bathroom together. Not the most glamorous place to do it but Kurt didn't care. He needed release.  
Nobody at school knew Mitch was gay or bi or whatever either, so it wasn't as if they'd be getting into a relationship. Just a really good night together and then back to friends right after.  
They closed the main bathroom door, not bothering to lock it. The men in Scandals knew if they walked in and saw them then they should go pee somewhere else. Those were the rules.  
Clothes dropped everywhere and afterwards, they laughed at each other, still drunk and happy.  
"Well, you are actually quite good, elfling." Mitch smirked, making Kurt laugh.  
"Oh shut up, it's round two time." Kurt smirked right back, already leaning in for another kiss. They began once again but froze as the door opened widely, not the usual slow open and peek that Scandals patrons knew to do, just in case. They both looked up to see Blaine and Finn stood there, Finn quickly covered his eyes and turned around, looking away. Kurt quickly jumped up, yanking on his clothes. "Jesus Christ Blaine!" He shouted, Mitch pulling on his own clothes.  
"Not cool, dude." Mitch added, shaking his head slightly as Blaine blinked between the two of them.  
"I'm not looking!" Finn's voice came from outside the room.  
"Kurt we've been looking for you all afternoo-" Blaine began, but Kurt walked to him, angrily.  
"You need to go." He growled and Blaine took a step back.  
"Are you two... I mean... you know..."  
"Just some fun." Mitch answered, a smirk on his face. He turned to Kurt. "I'll get us another round of drinks, see you outside." Mitch then grabbed Kurt, giving him a very passionate kiss before heading out of the door past Blaine.  
"The bathroom man? Classy..." Finn finally spoke up, causing Kurt to roll his eyes.  
"Kurt, you have more self respect than that..." Blaine added. "I mean, what the hell?! First of all, one of the stoner kids? Really? Second of all, look at you! You're drunk, you stink of smoke and you're doing it in a public toilet! And let's face it, one of the dirtier public toilets in Ohio!"  
"You wanna know what happened the last time me and you were here together?" Kurt interrupted, glaring at Blaine in a way that made the smaller man want to fall through the floor. "You brought me out, got a couple drinks in me, and then decided to tell me you were leaving. For good. I came into this dirty ass bathroom and I curled up and I cried. And what do I find when I come back? You happily dancing with some random guy!" He was practically growling now and Blaine was speechless, staring at his ex with tears in his eyes.  
"Kurt... I... I'm really sorr-"  
"You don't get to say that to me. You don't get to say ANYTHING to me." He stalked closer to Blaine, looming over him. "None of you do. I'm not a kid anymore, I don't need protecting anymore, and I certain don't need you, or any of you anymore. Your apologies mean NOTHING. So back. Off." And at that, Kurt pushed past the other two and went outside, losing them in the crowd.  
Finn looked like he wanted to say something but didn't know what, Blaine stared at here Kurt had been, he turned to Finn. "We-we should try and find him..." He mumbled, turning away from the bathroom as he imagined a hurt, shaking Kurt locking the door and bursting into tears, sliding down the wall as he cried to himself. Maybe this was all Blaine's fault.  
Finn nodded and they made their way through the crowd, looking around for him.  
\------------  
Kurt put his phone away as Mitch began speaking, handing him his drink.  
"Sorry, buddy."  
"It's not your fault." Kurt replied, downing half of his drink, his voice was quiet and weak after the argument. "Sorry you had to see that."  
"It's no problem, ex's are a bitch..." Mitch looked down and Kurt suddenly realised something.  
"Finn won't tell anyone." He was quick to reassure. Mitch laughed. "I'll tell him not to."  
"You really think he'd keep it to himself? After he was so prejudice against you just because you liked him? After the way he's been talking about you to the others in that Glee club?" He sighed and shrugged. "I wouldn't be surprised if I was outed tomorrow."  
"I won't let that happen. What happened tonight is nobody else's business and if you're not ready to tell then I won't let Finn tell anyone." Kurt's voice was stern. He wouldn't let that happen. He knew how bad it could be... He knew he should have just stayed in the closet, started acting like everyone else as soon as he got into high school. Then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have joined Glee, he wouldn't have gotten hurt so many, many times. True he might not be as he was now, the new Kurt, but he would have been more like this than the pushover, fragile gay kid everyone thought he was. "I promise."  
Mitch smiled and finished his drink, Kurt following suit. His phone buzzed and he looked down to it.  
"I have to go, I'll message you soon, we can come here and forget about things again, or we could hang out under the bleachers and have a smoke or something."  
Mitch smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that."  
Kurt nodded and stood, heading back to the door.  
"Kurt?" He turned. "...Thanks..."  
A shrug and a sad smile later, he went back inside to the loud, booming music, the claustrophobic atmosphere, the ringing in his ears. He held himself in his arms, quickly pushing through the crowd to get out of the front door.  
"There he is." Finn called to Blaine, pointing to Kurt who was walking out of the door.  
They followed him, calling his name. They stopped at the door when Kurt got into a car. Sebastian smiled sadly at the other boy, wrapping his arm around him and letting him silently sob into his shoulder, apologising over and over. He shushed him, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. Then he looked up, eyes meeting with Blaine's and Finn's. They stared between each other for a moment, before Sebastian began the engine, driving away with Kurt still curled in his shoulder. Blaine stared after them, and he knew he had really screwed this up...


	14. Drive

Sebastian drove slowly, going down the backstreets just to make sure Kurt had calmed down and - for the most part - sobered up. After a while he thought the other boy was asleep, but he was staring out of the window. Sebastian watched him, how the streetlight swept over his face. He still had tears slowly falling down but he didn't look sad, or angry. He simply looked peaceful, or, Sebastian realised, empty.   
He kept glancing at the other boy, who made no indication he'd noticed, but the Warbler figured he had.   
They drove on, comfortable silence filling the car, bar from the soft melody on the radio. Eventually he pulled into the Dalton car park and turned off the engine.   
"Blaine didn't deserve you." He found himself saying. "I thought it was the other way round when I first met him but..."  
"But...?" Kurt asked softly, turning to look at the other. The sight of him broke Sebastian's heart. He looked younger when he cried. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circled underneath. His jawbones stuck out more than they used to, Sebastian knew he probably wasn't eating very well. He didn't think he would either if he was in that situation. His gaze was as if he was searching for something... his innocence? His old self? ...A friend? Sebastian didn't know. But he knew Kurt had called on himself tonight above anyone else. When it came down to it, Sebastian and Kurt were friends. And there was no way around that. Besides, the Warbler had found himself enjoying Kurt's company.   
"You know when I actually got confused about it?" He asked, seeing Kurt's face change subtly to the quiet boy who listened intently to his friends issues. Kurt shook his head. "The night I invited you guys out to Flirtz. He did spend most of the night dancing with me. But, being the idiot I was back then it only spurred me on. Though I still questioned why he would do that, even with alcohol. After that there were sooooo many signs that Blaine wasn't very good for you. But I ignored it because I had a small crush on him and the other Warbler's wanted him back." He shrugged, and saw realisation dawn on Kurt's features. "I guess it was more an..." he searched for the right words. "Interest based on the stories I'd heard. 'Blaine's so great', 'why can't we get Blaine back?'." He chuckled, though there was no humour behind it. "I shouldn't have tried to break you two up. I realise that. But I am glad you did. Given the way he broke up with you and just up and left... expecting you to just wait for him, or accept to just be friends or drop all contact all together after telling you he loved you." He shook his head, and looked back to Kurt, who was definitely listening intently. "I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm glad I found you that day at Flirtz. I think you need a friend right now... A proper one... And I'm glad that can be me. And Blaine didn't deserve you."   
They both laughed. "Thanks..." Kurt responded. Sebastian nodded and went to leave the car, it was late after all. "Seb?" He paused. "I'm glad we're friends too." And there was the all too rare Kurt Hummel smile, something Sebastian doubted he did a lot nowadays.   
"Come on, you little drunken elfling, it's late. Let's get you to sleep." He joked and took Kurt to his room, sneaking down the corridors. They narrowly avoided running into some other Warbler's, but safely made it into Sebastian's room. "Get a shower if you need to."  
"Is that your way of saying I smell?" Kurt joked, but headed towards the bathroom anyway.   
"Kurt." Sebastian tossed one of his spare shirts at the other boy, who thanked him and went to get a shower.   
\------------  
He had been in there a long time. Sebastian didn't want to admit that he was worried, but he was.   
Mainly because Kurt had been fairly tipsy, and he could have passed out and drown in the shower or slipped and hit his head, or he could have jumped out of the window... He shook his head, ok, he had had a couple of drinks earlier as well, so that's probably why he was jumping to these conclusions. But it had been an hour. He knew from experience that Kurt liked long showers, the first time he'd stayed round, he had taken half an hour. But this was too long... he hadn't even heard anything but the shower.   
He wondered over to the bathroom door and heard sniffling. Oh no...  
He knocked but there was no response, and the door creaked oven slightly. Kurt must have left it open... "Kurt...? Are you ok...?" He asked gently. "I-I'm gonna come in, ok?" There was no response, so he pushed open the door and stepped into the steamed up room. Well, the shower was running, but Kurt wasn't in it. He looked around and saw the boy curled up next to the sink, crying, still in his clothes, which were sopping wet. "Kurt...?" He asked, stepping closer slowly. He didn't want to scare the boy, for all he knew, he was stuck in an episode of PTSD.   
He knelt down, placing a hand on Kurt's knee. The boy jumped and tried to push Sebastian away. The Warbler held up his hands, showing he wasn't going to hurt the other.   
"It's ok, I won't touch you if you don't want me to, but it's wet in here and you need to change into something dry. Can I help you?" He asked, calmly.   
Kurt seemed to snap back to reality, but he still had a faraway look in his eye. He nodded slowly.   
"Can I help you up?" Sebastian asked, holding a hand out.  
Another nod. Kurt let Sebastian help him up and out of the room, he helped him change his shirt and then left him to change his own trousers into some pyjamas. He took that time to turn off the shower and wipe down the big mirror from steam. "Kurt, are you decent?" He asked before he came back out, and heard a small 'yeah' from the other room.   
When he went back into the bedroom, he saw Kurt sitting on his bed, wringing his hands anxiously and staring at the floor. He wouldn't meet Sebastian's eye.   
"Don't worry." Sebastian spoke up, resting against the door frame. "Seriously."  
"I'm sorr-"  
"No apologies necessary." He walked over and sat next to the other boy, not too close to touch though. "How are you feeling?"  
"Like shit." Kurt chuckled. "You didn't have to come get me, you know... I know I'm an idiot."  
"First of all, I DID have to come and get you. I needed to make sure you're ok. Mostly for my own state of mind." Sebastian added as a joke. "Second, you are definitely not an idiot. You've been hurt. A lot. And I'm not just talking about 'the incident'. You're friends have asked everything from you and then not helped you back in and way. You've been bullied since you started school and don't get me started again on Blaine. And now all this on top? You're not an idiot, Kurt. You're the strongest person I know."   
"You tryna flirt with me, Mr. Warbler?" Kurt deflected, smirking. It was fake. But at least he was feeling batter.   
"Eh, maybe hoping for a cuddle or some kissing." Sebastian winked, showing he was joking. He was relieved when Kurt laughed.   
"I'll take you up on that cuddle. I need some sleep..." Kurt sighed and they moved round in the bed to lay down, Sebastian wrapped protectively around the other.   
"I am glad we're now friends, Kurt." Sebastian reminded him.   
"Me too... Night, Seb..."


End file.
